The warmth of your body nowhere near mine
As I lay here, staring in the dark.
The sound of your breathing so still,
That the silence has stopped my heart.
Under these sheets, I pray; I ponder:
How long has it been since I’ve felt your touch?
I remember the feel of you drowning me:
It kept me alive – my savior, my crutch.
Where are you? I wonder in the silence.
I reach my hand across the bed,
Hoping to grasp some part of your body:
Your hand; your arm; your head.
But nothingness; I come up with nothing,
When your body was once right there.
I keep searching, my fingers determined,
And into this darkness I continue to stare.
My arm stretches further and further,
But linen – that’s all it finds.
Desperation pulsates through my body.
One tear falls; my weakness, a crime.
I recoil my arm and cower,
More than certain that you no longer care.
Ominous, the blackness and stillness of this room
Threaten to swallow me if they dare.
I don’t feel you, but I know you’re there,
As this tear runs from my eye.
Would you notice if a knife stabbed through my heart?
Do you prefer me dead or alive?
Once, I knew what love felt like,
The feel of you forever drugged my mind:
In this bed, once you would love me,
Race your hand up my legs, down my thighs.
I would sigh as your skin caressed mine,
Your cool touch revitalizing my nerves.
I’d exhale, arching my back,
And prepare to give you what you deserved.
Tell me what I’ve done wrong –
To your will I can adjust; I’ll change.
Anything to have you touch me again
The way you did back in those days.
I miss the noise – the heat; the sweat.
I miss the angst – the love; the passion.
What I want most, you give me no longer,
And when I’m willing, you’re missing in action.
I long for your eyes to notice me,
Or in the least for you to whisper my name.
But that dream has transformed into a nightmare,
And, in this darkness, I endure the pain.
Sobs choke me in this blackness –
Sobs that you don’t even hear.
Each night, you break my heart as so,
And, each night, I fall victim to these tears.
This is not love – tears burn my cheeks:
Endlessly; relentless they pour
As my eyelids give way to the heartache,
Able to fake their courage no more.
You’re here in this bed, this I know,
For your body is where it always lies.
What’s missing is the affection you used to give;
In its absence, in the night, I cry.